It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
