I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I will be naked everywhere
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
