I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
