and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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