Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
