He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
