I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
