normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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