I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
