So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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