Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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