In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
