I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
