Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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