I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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