I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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