....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
