I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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