I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
