I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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