Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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