just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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