So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
