Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
