hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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