Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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