70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
