i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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