Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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