Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
