is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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