The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
