Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
