we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
