she looked like the before picture.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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