This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
