Duck Duck Cougar?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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