Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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