Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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