I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
