I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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