I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
