I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize