Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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