i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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