I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
