So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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