I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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