I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
