Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
