He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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