The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
